Change is a Choice!

I am Edmund Lawrence Smith. I have walked away from my gay life in 1994 when I was about 24 years old. I am going to be 39 this year. People like me are called “exgays”. An “exgay” simply means – a gay (or lesbian) who has decided to do whatever it takes to stay away from homosexuality.

Every “exgay” has a different story on why and how we ended up here. Mine goes something like this…

I was born into a religious family. I knew that something was different about my sexuality from a very young age. By the time I reached puberty, I realized I had a homosexual orientation. I went forth to live a wild homosexual lifestyle for about 11 years (1983-1994). It all started when I was about thirteen and searching for approval, attention and intimacy with men – but ending up finding nothing… but sex.

In the 11 years of being gay – I had experienced uncountable one night stands, 3 so-called LTR (long term relationships), had sex for money, was raped, had sex with all kinds of men (old and young), orgy and the list goes on.

What triggered me to walk away from homosexuality were the pain, dissatisfaction and uncertainty that came along with the “happy” life I was living.  Many of my gay friends thought and still think that it is ridiculous and impossible for me or anyone else to become an “exgay”. Yet few others stood by me to just allow me to be what I wanted to be – on my own freewill. I wish my real friends would learn to agree to disagree.

Other then my search for Mr. Right - from a very young age; I knew that my call in this life is to reach out to the Marginalized Community. I knew – I myself was a marginalized individual living in a mainstream world. To be exact, I started out as a Community Worker – reaching out to the Marginalized Community when I was barely 13 years of age. I worked with the Catholic nuns in projects for the illiterate community – bringing literacy into their lives of a group of illiterate adults in the Portuguese Settlement – the place I was born and bred in. I find real pleasure in touching lives even in the smallest ways possible.

In 1989 – when I was about 18 years of age, the Salvation Army employed me as a full-time Community Worker reaching out to the mentally disable community. Today I realized that God deliberately put me in the Salvation Army because there is where He used few precious people to lead me into a relationship with Him. Today I believe that I wouldn’t have made it this far - as an “exgay” man without the love of God in my life and the personal relationship I shared with Him all these years.

In 1994, when I decided to adopt the “exgay” lifestyle – I have already built two great friendships with two wonderful women; Jenny who is now a pastor in a church and my wife Amanda Amutha Perumal - who is also a pastor now in “RLM Fellowship” (the church we both founded in 2006 and now serve as Senior Pastors). God used them powerfully to hold my hand; love me and pray with me. The transition from being gay to an “exgay” was truly tough. And I couldn’t have done without the support from these two “angels” that God had provided me with.

That very same year (1994) after I embraced the “exgay” status - my life was no longer about looking for Mr. Right, exploring the gay world and not even about being “exgay”. Instead I became extremely excited about God, serving Him, living my life for Him – making the world around me a better place to live in. And there was no turning back - up to today!

I graduated with “Community Services” from Christchurch College of Education, New Zealand. And have been equipped with these subjects that helped me tremendously as a Community Worker…

• Community Services (Disability)
• Cross Cultural Studies
• Sign Language and Interpretation

Amanda and I also founded a Community Service Society that we call “RLM Society”.  The society’s goal is to train, motivate and give opportunity – so to build up Befrienders for the Marginalized Community in Malaysia . RLM Society was founded in 1999. We work closely with…

1.      The Exgay Community

2.      The Deaf Community

3.      Street People

4.      etc

I am still growing, learning and unlearning and wanting to be more and more the man that I believe God had created me to be. I am not perfect – no one is. But the imperfect I…am truly grateful for the perfect God who has been and is still blessing me in unbelievable ways.

A Happy Family

My children’s names are Angelica Eshwarie Smith age 5 and Ethan Ashwin Smith age 4. Becoming a father WAS only a dream for me. But today this beautiful dream has come to past. I thank God!

Behind every happy father is a story, so let me share something of my story with you.  I am of British-Portuguese-Nyonya parentage and did not grow up in a very happy family. When I was born (after three older brothers) my father clearly showed me that he preferred girls to boys – especially after having three sons already.  My sister Helga (dad’s precious jewel) - came after me. He’d hug Helga and even my female cousins but never me.  I thought if I was a girl – I would receive that kind of affection from my father.  I so craved for Daddy’s love.

By the time I was about 13 years of age I was fully aware of my homosexual orientation.  I was thrilled when guys gave me attention or especially when they wanted to have any kind of relationship with me.

As a father now, I want to encourage parents to take their responsibility seriously to NOT instill into their children gender issues such as telling their daughters they are not pretty enough or smart enough OR telling their sons they are not strong enough or man enough and etc.  There are loving ways of communicating growth into our children’s life.

Lack of parental love leaves an unhealthy vacuum in your child’s life, that they will look to fill with somebody else when the opportunity comes.  Their choice as teenagers or adults might surprise and even shock their parents. A mother’s love and a father’s love are different. Mother’s love is called feminine love while father’s love is called masculine love. They are totally different and not replaceable from one to the other.  Both types of love are needed by children for them to grow into wholesome and fulfilled adults - thus, having an orderly gender identity.

I “tried” marriage by marrying Amanda in 1996, but our relationship was solely platonic, though we did care a lot about each other as merely best-friends at that time.  Eventually the time came when we realized that a marriage is not a marriage if we throw away the romantic and sexual aspect of it. Things began to change slowly but surely. Today I am with the woman that I want to grow old with – share my life with till the end of times.

There are few major programs in RLM Society. The two major ones are:

1.      Silent Voice (A program that raises up Befrienders and interpreter for the Deaf)

2.      RLM Journey (A program that raises up Befrienders for the exgay community)

RLM Journey’s goal is to help “exgays” (like me) to resolve the issues in our lives by moving through a program called The Journey of Recovery (JOR).

Season One is the “Educational season”, the first step to resolving outstanding issues in a person’s life. The “exgay” who join our program is given one-to-one mentoring. And to graduate from this season, one need to have overcome any “self” issues regarding appearance or own gender. A Self issue is basically a rejection of unchangeable self in any way.

Season Two is the “Celibate season” during which the “exgay” must abstain from sex and romance. Yes it is hard! No long-term relationships; no one-night stands. The “exgay” is to focus on deep platonic relationships - DPR. One thing to accomplish in this season is the resolving of one’s Vacuum issue. Women find this season much easier than men, who are more sexual beings. Women are naturally inclined toward developing close platonic relationships with other women.

Season Three is the “Dating season” during which the “exgay” goes out with those of the opposite gender.  Dating, however, is not equivalent to a long-term relationship. This is a season where the “exgay” learn to discover the world of the opposite gender in a deeper way. No one is forced to enter into this season or any of the four seasons – if they choose not to. It is when the exgay is ready to resolve the Barrier issue – one have to embark into this season. The Barrier issue is an issue that disables people to open up their lives to others of the opposite gender. Many who have got Barrier issues are people who have been abused (verbally, sexually, emotionally and etc) by others of the opposite gender in the past.

Season Four, the final stage, is the “Marriage season”. It is NOT compulsory for every “exgay” to enter into this season. Nevertheless, this is the season where the “exgay” is ready to consider marriage or single hood. Marriage is just one of the two options for the “exgay”. Many “exgays” choose to live single and fruitful lives. But upon entering this season, and if the “exgay” desires marriage – he/she will commit to a long-term relationship with someone of the opposite gender.  One will eventually move from being boyfriend/girlfriend to being a spouse, and then finally a parent. The “exgay” must go through the first three seasons before he is allowed to enter the fourth.

RLM Society does not force people to change or do anything that they don’t want to do. We are a society that supports and help people who HAVE DECIDED (on their own freewill) to choose the “exgay” lifestyle.

Apart from Community Work – my other passion is Performing Arts. I sing, act (acted in a Singapore moved called “Chicken Rice War” & etc) and dance (Sign Language Dancing) professionally.  I have a simple album in the Malaysian market called “Wake Up” of which consists of songs that I wrote while drawing inspiration from my years of community work with the mentally disabled, the deaf, the illiterate , those with HIV/AIDS and the “exgay” community.

I hope this little story of mine – will also help you see that just because someone is an “ex-gay” today – it does not mean that one is anti gay. Yes I do know of some “ex-gays” who are anti-gays. I shall not comment about people like that. But it is not fair to generalized people like us (“ex-gays”). Some of my closest friends are gays and they are friends whom I cherish and love from the bottom of my heart. If you get the chance to meet them – they will tell you that I am one of the most gay-friendliest people in the whole wide world. Just as I believe that it is human rights for one to be gay or transgender or whatever way of life they may choose -  IT IS ALSO HUMAN RIGHTS WHEN A GAY CHOOSES TO BE “EXGAY”. www.r-l-m.com